Fear

It has been so long since I have written on this blog.

I write this post with no intention. My intentions are humble, real; for the sense of being grounded and reconnected; reconnected to my inner self. 

My life has been my teacher. Everyone in it has been my test. I am the lesson. Yes, I am the lesson. My life is composed of people and myself. Life is made up of the good times and the hard ones, happy moments and sad ones. The truth is, that is life. Nothing is for sure, nothing is certain and nothing/no one should be taken for granted. 

I admit, I am currently at my hardest stages of my life. I am going through a lot on so many different levels: physical, emotional, mental, psychological. I am homesick, I am sick, I am troubled, I am confused, I am lost, I am weak, I am in a state of definition. Defining myself, my patience, my purpose, my identity. Maybe I thought I knew myself, and maybe life is teaching me to pause and take a deeper check in to my inner self. To be honest, I reached a point where I am way too exhausted to even know what to check or how to inwardly reflect. I confess, I am confronting a state of vulnerability which I have been avoiding for quite a long time now. I have fought hard, pushed myself physically, forced my mind to keep going forward, I have limited myself to any confusing, conflicting, thoughts- thinking that those were all moments of weakness. I, who had once believed that weakness is natural and should be exposed, has suddenly altered my mindset to another direction: I don't want to cry, I don't want to be weak, I won't give up, I refuse to fall back, I will move ahead and time is the best healer, faith is my companion and I am the only one who can take care of myself. The truth is, no one can go through life alone. No one. Yes, so many people have indeed, seem to have succeeded in life : reached peaks of success, found their partner, made a family, expanded their sources of wealth, increased their pots of fortune, improved their health, and maybe found themselves spiritually. But there is a truth inside each one of us we can never deny and that is that we are all empty. No matter what we possess and what we have reached, we have an empty spot inside of us; we are lonely. We may have everything and yet when we sit and reflect with ourselves, we realise that we are incomplete. We lack something- and it could be so many things we can't exactly identify. I think the one thing we have in common regardless of what we have and where we are at in our lives, is fear. 

We are all afraid of ending up alone. We are all afraid of not being good enough. We fear loss. We fear failure.  We fear of letting go. We fear of being involved. We fear love. We fear wealth. We fear commitment. We fear rejection. We fear bitterness. We fear cold nights. We fear lack of health. We fear days of bread less tables. We fear ourselves when we look in the mirror. We fear insufficient wealth. We fear miscounting our blessings. We fear pain. We conflict with pride, esteem and character. We have expectations of ourselves, society has its own pressures on us, and our surroundings has standards imposing on us who to marry, what to become, what wear, where to dine; family, friends, colleagues have a huge impact on us  and we fear  their judgement.  We fear tomorrow. We think we let go of pain, of yesterday, of mistakes- but we truly haven't because even when we convince ourselves that we have forgiven ourselves, others and the past, we trip on them from time to time. Basically, we fear fear. We fear the unknown because we fear tomorrow. We are afraid we have wrongly done and may have harmed someone. Whatever it may be, the bottom line is, we are scared. 

We were taught that if we have faith in God, we should not fear anything or anyone, because He is our strength. But we are human; we all know we have weaknesses, temptations, passions that interfere with faith. It conflicts with our well being, our decisions, our soul, our level of spirituality. How do we endure this 'act or thought of temptation?' Do we avoid it? Do we confront it? Do we go ahead with it and try to live it? 

There are way too many answers to so many questions. The thing is we think we know the solution, but the truth is, we fear of finding any in the first place. We fear of the solution. We are just full of fear. And many of us allow fear to empower us; unconsciously we surrender to the blind feeling of fear. We prefer to rise over it- we ignore it and move on thinking we are strong enough to endure and we shall not permit it to empower us in any form or way in any aspect of our lives and being. 

I have been a victim of the above. Four years ago, I was depressed. I allowed myself to mourn- I allowed myself to feel the feeling of loss, confusion, weakness. I thought that it was the right thing to do : for me to move on, I must accept what I am going through and how I feel. As I made way for light to shine in to my dark state, I empowered myself to positivity by adhering and increasing my faith and spirituality. I embraced a healthier lifestyle which empowered me physically, mentally, and psychologically. I welcomed life, people and opportunities- all are beautiful regardless of their duration and outcomes: I always see everything as an experience- the part that makes me, constitutes my knowledge, and endurance. As I faced challenges, and those were always a constant and ongoing, I made sure I step back and see if I am making the right decisions. As I am all alone on this journey, I had to always check if my decisions fell correctly in to place and associated to my roots: who I am as a Muslim, Arab, girl, morals, education, standards, and my well being.  I tried to always stay true to myself and never deny or condemn where I came from and who I am. I didn't want to go astray because I fear of being lost and being harmed.I was grateful that I found God's presence in my heart.

I am no angel, I am no perfectionist, but I know I always stumble on guilt so I know that I had to give all I could offer from chances and forgiveness. I accepted differences,  faults, distance, misunderstandings, miscommunication because I am just a product of God's creation- if He is The Forgiver and The Giver, who am I not to give and forgive?  He enabled me to think and feel that way and I see it as a blessing- why should I not be grateful that I have the light to see what I hold and share it amongst the entirety of His Creation of whom I meet and encounter? If being compassionate is my fortune, then I would and should try to extend it to everyone around me as much as I could possibly afford. With those close to me and with those who are live afar, I have tried my best, and my absolute most to be as compromising and understanding as possible. I see no one holding any 'bad' intentions. Then one day, I realised there are explicit attacks from several of whom I trusted that seemed to have crossed their lines. I then disappeared for a while, to keep my distance, find answers in silence to decide, firmly decide what should be done next. In the silent distance, there seemed to have been some kind of awakening inside of me; I will not tolerate what I can not accept anymore. I filtered my circle of friends- and with time, situations would arise and I would have to re-filter again. As I nourished my heart with faith and hope, I hardened my feelings and immediately kept my elimination list active. I try to be as aware as possible of the way I behave and, react and say. I have been as good as I could possibly be with them: a supportive friend, patient and respectful, as they have reciprocated with me. But then something comes up, and I realised that there is a fine line- a moment of truth- a definitive decision that should be made. As hard as it was to make a relationship- altering decision, I found it best to cut off in respect- make a decent and peaceful exit, regardless of how rude and bad the situation has reached. When I leave, I make sure I stay true to my ethical upbringing. It is a difficult decision for me to make because I endorsed and promised myself that I would never eliminate anyone from my life; once you are in my life, you are in my circle of care, love, attention. Everyone deserves it, and therefore, everyone in my life doesn't need to earn it, they simply get it from me, naturally. One may argue this point, but after all, the way I see it is that we are all the same: we are human, and we all come along holding a ready slate of trust, respect, and love. It is in our own hands, actions and decisions that we either maintain or gradually lose those levels of trust, respect and love. And honestly, I never knew I would have the courage to reach this point and realize that I would have to eliminate people from my life.

As disappointing and hurtful as those situations were, I always found it hard to practice this behaviour with one person. Just one person. He grasped my heart because there is an instinct inside of me that we were just the same. We had the same concept towards life, the same heart. At a distance, we got to know one another, and I found we had common grounds in various matters; passion for life, commitment to people, appreciation for the small things, hidden and rising strength, discipline, faith, and more. I wish I hadn't reached the day where I would have had to confront him with how I felt; not my vulnerability, but my leaking impatience of feeling avoided when there was any miscommunication or misunderstanding. Why did I not eliminate him like I have done with others? Because, of all the people I have loved and lost, I fear that I will lose his heart - because deep down inside of me, I know for a fact, that he is pure. And today, purity, is a rare asset. I know how hard it is and I personally  struggle to find purity- I know that it is the one thing I seek for and have always been trying to find. Regardless of his imperfections, regardless of his stubbornness, regardless of his pride to admit or confront- I know that I don't and wouldn't want to lose him as a person nor his true genuine heart. 

He is the one who pulled me together at my lowest. He is the one who seeded hope back in to my isolated heart during my journey. He is the one who felt my pain through my hardships. He is the one who stumbled to find words to express how he felt towards me, and I didn't mind. He is the one who played with me when I was down. He doesn't know he is a star, and in my vast skies, he will always be the star that I gaze upon every time I stare at the dark nights. He is the one who made me smile every time I received a short text message from. He is the one who confided in me and allowed me to confide in to him. He entrusted me with his weaknesses. He embraced mine. He believed in me. He really did- even as he struggled with distance and time. And I never gave up on him. 

Fear is our silent companion. Fear is my fear. Fear will always live as long as there is something or someone you dearly love, you fear that your fear will take it or them away. 

I wish I could find the words to empower and strengthen you against fear, but the truth is, if you dig deep in to your self, you will find your soul barely holding on, suffering, and in pain, no matter how strong you are and no matter what you possess; because in the midst of all the lust excitement and passion, a flash of insecurity arises and a moment of truth will strike you- an awakening calling you towards the feeling you avoided for so long and persist to brush away: Fear- just as you try to hold on to everything you feel, own and aspire to have.