Monday, January 05, 2015

Lady Adourian's Rug Store

This was posted on my Facebook on January 2, 2015. 

A few days ago I walked in to a rug store named Oriental Rugs by Adourian’s Rug Galleries.I was always curious to check it out. As I stepped in, I found an old aged lady sitting near the door in the midst of a large dimmed space surrounded by countless rugs of various sizes, colors and patterns. I asked her about the rugs; the make, thread count, material etc. I was excited when she said that all the rugs were handmade and were authentically Persian and Kashmir made rugs. She proudly presented her collection of rugs and confidently replied back to my questions. Out of  curiosity I asked her where she’s from. She said she was Palestinian - Armenian, and this is where the conversation of almost 90 minutes started. 

She fondly spoke of her late husband: a prominent man within the Torontonian society and narrated to me her story- starting from her childhood upbringing in the Holy Land until this very moment. This widow unveiled the beauty of Palestine where people from the three major religions co-existed, loved and respected one another. They celebrated every holiday freely and yet in unity. And as she went down memory lane, I was introduced to villages, cities, and foods I haven’t heard of before; I was fascinated with all the rich history, tradition and culture of a people that are now dispersed and spread out all over the world. She painfully discussed the brutality of the war and the genocides which frightened families, the elderly, women and children alike. She survived many death attempts and witnessed the killings of friends in front of her own eyes as a child. One of her wishes is to witness the day that people would find peace in their hearts so that peace could be found amongst the people- and land could be shared to provide home, security and stability for everyone, just like the good old days. 

I let her speak, tried to tame my curiosity as I didn’t want to interrupt her urge to share her proud heritage. I asked a few questions- and every time I asked, more stories were unveiled until I got introduced to her entire family: their names, ages, interests, earned degrees, current residence, nephews, nieces, etc. This lady made me feel like I'm sitting beside my own grandparents as I was growing up- learning about the disputed land I belong to but don’t live in. 

Aside from the fact that this lady owns a beautiful rug store of almost 40 years old, she has taken my breath away with all her stories, kept me speechless, and left me reflecting..

If you live in Toronto or know anyone who does, I think it would mean the world for this lady if you pay her a visit. Whether you end up buying a rug or not is not the intended outcome, what matters most is how you make this widow feel. She has no children, stands on her feet in the store all by herself- day in day out, locking up her doors as soon the sun sets out of fear. 

Liking this status is not enough.. and is not the objective. What you will do next will count. Start the year with doing something good and make someone smile. Do small things that are profound and grand on every single level. 


If you are interested, the store stands on 89 King Street East.  Happy New Year to All. 

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

Fear

It has been so long since I have written on this blog.

I write this post with no intention. My intentions are humble, real; for the sense of being grounded and reconnected; reconnected to my inner self. 

My life has been my teacher. Everyone in it has been my test. I am the lesson. Yes, I am the lesson. My life is composed of people and myself. Life is made up of the good times and the hard ones, happy moments and sad ones. The truth is, that is life. Nothing is for sure, nothing is certain and nothing/no one should be taken for granted. 

I admit, I am currently at my hardest stages of my life. I am going through a lot on so many different levels: physical, emotional, mental, psychological. I am homesick, I am sick, I am troubled, I am confused, I am lost, I am weak, I am in a state of definition. Defining myself, my patience, my purpose, my identity. Maybe I thought I knew myself, and maybe life is teaching me to pause and take a deeper check in to my inner self. To be honest, I reached a point where I am way too exhausted to even know what to check or how to inwardly reflect. I confess, I am confronting a state of vulnerability which I have been avoiding for quite a long time now. I have fought hard, pushed myself physically, forced my mind to keep going forward, I have limited myself to any confusing, conflicting, thoughts- thinking that those were all moments of weakness. I, who had once believed that weakness is natural and should be exposed, has suddenly altered my mindset to another direction: I don't want to cry, I don't want to be weak, I won't give up, I refuse to fall back, I will move ahead and time is the best healer, faith is my companion and I am the only one who can take care of myself. The truth is, no one can go through life alone. No one. Yes, so many people have indeed, seem to have succeeded in life : reached peaks of success, found their partner, made a family, expanded their sources of wealth, increased their pots of fortune, improved their health, and maybe found themselves spiritually. But there is a truth inside each one of us we can never deny and that is that we are all empty. No matter what we possess and what we have reached, we have an empty spot inside of us; we are lonely. We may have everything and yet when we sit and reflect with ourselves, we realise that we are incomplete. We lack something- and it could be so many things we can't exactly identify. I think the one thing we have in common regardless of what we have and where we are at in our lives, is fear. 

We are all afraid of ending up alone. We are all afraid of not being good enough. We fear loss. We fear failure.  We fear of letting go. We fear of being involved. We fear love. We fear wealth. We fear commitment. We fear rejection. We fear bitterness. We fear cold nights. We fear lack of health. We fear days of bread less tables. We fear ourselves when we look in the mirror. We fear insufficient wealth. We fear miscounting our blessings. We fear pain. We conflict with pride, esteem and character. We have expectations of ourselves, society has its own pressures on us, and our surroundings has standards imposing on us who to marry, what to become, what wear, where to dine; family, friends, colleagues have a huge impact on us  and we fear  their judgement.  We fear tomorrow. We think we let go of pain, of yesterday, of mistakes- but we truly haven't because even when we convince ourselves that we have forgiven ourselves, others and the past, we trip on them from time to time. Basically, we fear fear. We fear the unknown because we fear tomorrow. We are afraid we have wrongly done and may have harmed someone. Whatever it may be, the bottom line is, we are scared. 

We were taught that if we have faith in God, we should not fear anything or anyone, because He is our strength. But we are human; we all know we have weaknesses, temptations, passions that interfere with faith. It conflicts with our well being, our decisions, our soul, our level of spirituality. How do we endure this 'act or thought of temptation?' Do we avoid it? Do we confront it? Do we go ahead with it and try to live it? 

There are way too many answers to so many questions. The thing is we think we know the solution, but the truth is, we fear of finding any in the first place. We fear of the solution. We are just full of fear. And many of us allow fear to empower us; unconsciously we surrender to the blind feeling of fear. We prefer to rise over it- we ignore it and move on thinking we are strong enough to endure and we shall not permit it to empower us in any form or way in any aspect of our lives and being. 

I have been a victim of the above. Four years ago, I was depressed. I allowed myself to mourn- I allowed myself to feel the feeling of loss, confusion, weakness. I thought that it was the right thing to do : for me to move on, I must accept what I am going through and how I feel. As I made way for light to shine in to my dark state, I empowered myself to positivity by adhering and increasing my faith and spirituality. I embraced a healthier lifestyle which empowered me physically, mentally, and psychologically. I welcomed life, people and opportunities- all are beautiful regardless of their duration and outcomes: I always see everything as an experience- the part that makes me, constitutes my knowledge, and endurance. As I faced challenges, and those were always a constant and ongoing, I made sure I step back and see if I am making the right decisions. As I am all alone on this journey, I had to always check if my decisions fell correctly in to place and associated to my roots: who I am as a Muslim, Arab, girl, morals, education, standards, and my well being.  I tried to always stay true to myself and never deny or condemn where I came from and who I am. I didn't want to go astray because I fear of being lost and being harmed.I was grateful that I found God's presence in my heart.

I am no angel, I am no perfectionist, but I know I always stumble on guilt so I know that I had to give all I could offer from chances and forgiveness. I accepted differences,  faults, distance, misunderstandings, miscommunication because I am just a product of God's creation- if He is The Forgiver and The Giver, who am I not to give and forgive?  He enabled me to think and feel that way and I see it as a blessing- why should I not be grateful that I have the light to see what I hold and share it amongst the entirety of His Creation of whom I meet and encounter? If being compassionate is my fortune, then I would and should try to extend it to everyone around me as much as I could possibly afford. With those close to me and with those who are live afar, I have tried my best, and my absolute most to be as compromising and understanding as possible. I see no one holding any 'bad' intentions. Then one day, I realised there are explicit attacks from several of whom I trusted that seemed to have crossed their lines. I then disappeared for a while, to keep my distance, find answers in silence to decide, firmly decide what should be done next. In the silent distance, there seemed to have been some kind of awakening inside of me; I will not tolerate what I can not accept anymore. I filtered my circle of friends- and with time, situations would arise and I would have to re-filter again. As I nourished my heart with faith and hope, I hardened my feelings and immediately kept my elimination list active. I try to be as aware as possible of the way I behave and, react and say. I have been as good as I could possibly be with them: a supportive friend, patient and respectful, as they have reciprocated with me. But then something comes up, and I realised that there is a fine line- a moment of truth- a definitive decision that should be made. As hard as it was to make a relationship- altering decision, I found it best to cut off in respect- make a decent and peaceful exit, regardless of how rude and bad the situation has reached. When I leave, I make sure I stay true to my ethical upbringing. It is a difficult decision for me to make because I endorsed and promised myself that I would never eliminate anyone from my life; once you are in my life, you are in my circle of care, love, attention. Everyone deserves it, and therefore, everyone in my life doesn't need to earn it, they simply get it from me, naturally. One may argue this point, but after all, the way I see it is that we are all the same: we are human, and we all come along holding a ready slate of trust, respect, and love. It is in our own hands, actions and decisions that we either maintain or gradually lose those levels of trust, respect and love. And honestly, I never knew I would have the courage to reach this point and realize that I would have to eliminate people from my life.

As disappointing and hurtful as those situations were, I always found it hard to practice this behaviour with one person. Just one person. He grasped my heart because there is an instinct inside of me that we were just the same. We had the same concept towards life, the same heart. At a distance, we got to know one another, and I found we had common grounds in various matters; passion for life, commitment to people, appreciation for the small things, hidden and rising strength, discipline, faith, and more. I wish I hadn't reached the day where I would have had to confront him with how I felt; not my vulnerability, but my leaking impatience of feeling avoided when there was any miscommunication or misunderstanding. Why did I not eliminate him like I have done with others? Because, of all the people I have loved and lost, I fear that I will lose his heart - because deep down inside of me, I know for a fact, that he is pure. And today, purity, is a rare asset. I know how hard it is and I personally  struggle to find purity- I know that it is the one thing I seek for and have always been trying to find. Regardless of his imperfections, regardless of his stubbornness, regardless of his pride to admit or confront- I know that I don't and wouldn't want to lose him as a person nor his true genuine heart. 

He is the one who pulled me together at my lowest. He is the one who seeded hope back in to my isolated heart during my journey. He is the one who felt my pain through my hardships. He is the one who stumbled to find words to express how he felt towards me, and I didn't mind. He is the one who played with me when I was down. He doesn't know he is a star, and in my vast skies, he will always be the star that I gaze upon every time I stare at the dark nights. He is the one who made me smile every time I received a short text message from. He is the one who confided in me and allowed me to confide in to him. He entrusted me with his weaknesses. He embraced mine. He believed in me. He really did- even as he struggled with distance and time. And I never gave up on him. 

Fear is our silent companion. Fear is my fear. Fear will always live as long as there is something or someone you dearly love, you fear that your fear will take it or them away. 


I wish I could find the words to empower and strengthen you against fear, but the truth is, if you dig deep in to your self, you will find your soul barely holding on, suffering, and in pain, no matter how strong you are and no matter what you possess; because in the midst of all the lust excitement and passion, a flash of insecurity arises and a moment of truth will strike you- an awakening calling you towards the feeling you avoided for so long and persist to brush away: Fear- just as you try to hold on to everything you feel, own and aspire to have.  








Wednesday, April 24, 2013

On An Island



I want to live on an island..

Sip on a glass of peace..
Bathe in an ocean of serenity..
Tan in the heat of love ..
Glide through colorful beams of sunsets..
Hug the waves of mystery..
Climb on trees of courage..
Run with the darkness of night..
Dig in the sand of strength..
Whisper to the shades of lust..
Feast on rhythms of silence..
Dance on pebbles of harmony..
Chase the sunny rays of wonders..
Kiss the mornings' dew of hope..
Gaze through the clarity of the skies..
Tickle the giggling stars..
Dive into the wisdom of deep waters..
Plant seeds of passion..

And count, count the number of moons it takes for you to see the truth.

Monday, January 21, 2013

To the World



To the world whose leaders live to seal the deal as they watch millions of bodies in Africa tortured by hunger waiting for just one meal.

To the world that distracted us with social networking debate and try to put the blame to the increase of developing countries’ birth rate.

To the world that expects us to stay silent over a stolen country, ‘unable’ to declare as they advocate human justice and the right to live while they strike weapons taking away lives and want us to only sit and stare.

To the world who shouts out freedom and change for a better tomorrow is the same world that wants its people to move no further than from yesterday’s sorrow.

To the world that initiates conspiracy to every theory and makes fun of those who cry out, ‘er7am dameery.'

To the world that forces media to avoid the truth, to hide the agonizing pain of the loss of those so dear; do you not yet know time has changed and we need not your knowledge that is to us now crystal clear.

To the world who promises peace from coast to coast and shore to shore;  your people find no home to rest, always terrified, their eyes galvanized from looking at your terrifying acts and trying to understand your contradicting values in abhor.

To the world that asks for us to unite and once you do, you set up every fire to part us and enjoy us at each other’s faces, to one another’s home ignite.

To the world that prefers disturbing me with an infamous sex scandal rather than helping me out with the load on my shoulders and the debts I can’t handle.

To the world who pledged to keep me safe is the same world whose hands strip a people’s right to exist, a person’s right to defend their home and a girl’s right to scream from an enemy’s attack, and want us to claim it not rape.

To the world who was once structured upon a system of values and ethics, punishing those who bent the rules of the game, now criticizes the honorable, any man of faith, and those who cannot lie and steal because Moral is synonym to their name.

To the world that while it was teaching us to read between the lines plants beneath our homes deadly land mines.

To the world who said the world is for all to belong- you stayed while the others are gone, lost and are all alone.

To the world who works hard at every airport to strip search me and ignores how many voicing wars are battling inside of my body-diligently skips learning what I really carry within me and how many times those incidents deeply transformed rage in me.

To the world who once told me I want to know you but obviously, didn't bother to understand me.

To the world who folds the truth according to what suits them properly and blindfolds me into a perfectly knitted web of woven lies to let me see the truth barely, rarely, vaguely and ambiguously.

To the world that strictly prohibits underage labor- why do you punish me when I help my next door neighbor?

To the world that enforces dignity as we stand side by side; you continue to deceive us and slowly we start losing our national pride.

To the world where we keep digging beyond the surface to discover the depths of your soil’s deep- why do you plant holes so steep to prevent me from looking back into my roots?
To the world that ‘differentiates not and classifies not’ who and what we are by identity yet you strip it away from us.

To the world that awaits the results after every ballot I fill is the world that rejects when I object to injustice and unjustified bloodshed instead of sitting still.

To the world that created and ironically terrified its people with its own weapons of mass destruction is the world that names every revolution a derivative from some organized dangerous fanatic institution.

To the world who believes a free mind, a free spirit, a free soul, a free will- you silently, wittingly, mischievously grab us by the throat and enjoy answering your favorite question: what’s the newest method I have now to kill?

To the world that encourages laughter is the world that demolishes life-long homes with its leading tractor.

To the world who told us once to wipe away our tears is the same world that watches us dread our eyes with fears.

To the world that held us by our hands to build our dreams in a liberal world is the world that snaps us out of that reality it created, telling us: NOTHING is as it seems!

To the world that states we are all equal and this it shall never deny: man, woman, child, the pious, and the sinned- is the world that kills them all with a bullet and says: now you are all equal, on this sandy earth you lay.

To the world that doesn't mind to freely walk naked and yet finds no problem with insulting whatever is holy and sacred.

To the world that emphasized for us to learn the good from the bad, do deed than sin, is the world we walk through now lying to our faces on the rooftops of every skyscraper carrying billboards saying “All it takes is a Spin for You to Win!”

To the world that collects bodies of dust after enjoying to see the same bodies over time rust.

To the world that bore us monarchies, kingdoms, queens and kings gradually simplified, modified and ‘modernized’ it to us into parties, branches and wings.

To the world that favored positive thoughts and believing in reaching the impossibility is the world scolding at you for fighting for your honor and pride, classifying you as one of the terrorists, the extremists and or associated with the untamed wave of insanity.

To the world who holds you back every time you want to leap from the ignorant dark- we would like to remind you that what ‘you sow is what you reap’ – maybe one day you will see.

To the world that endured everything for you to exist is the same world planning how to shock and disturb you with a solution to man-made maladies.

To the world that saw me cry because I just saw a child die is the world that I ask over and over again: how do you let this happen, answer me why!

To the world who had no dress code for you to belong- if you don’t dress like those in the arena of the fame then disguise yourself before being titling as those of the useless, poor and lame.

To the world whose people are made of mud ignored their hearts, threw their flesh out and now guiltless-ly walk over their blood.

To the world that once taught us that patience is virtue, we are all brothers and united as one-now emphasizes and wants us to live by ‘take it or leave it, make it or break it, sink or swim, you gotta rock the show to make some dough, you have to stumble them over before it’s game over.’

To the world that the more we travel through you to learn more about you, you strangle us with limitations and plummet more and more restrictions into our existence to belong to you.

To the world whose land belongs to no one man alone; you taught us in history books the stories you have written and exchanged the hero with the one who got hit by the first stone.

To the world who preaches us how to perceive thoughts and ideas of the future from different angles while adopting various methods and building visions; what future were you envisioning when you seize not to continuing deceiving your own people as you instill fear in their hearts, leaving them no hope to dream and no light to enable them to imagine building a safe haven for their families?

To the world whose days are darkened with the sun’s lugging rays and nights filled with clouds full of traumatizing agony, have you not gotten bored of your silly games amongst yourselves of who controls our skies?
To the world that allows you to discover the tip of its east to its west is the world that provides you with nothing except depriving you of mindful rest.
To the world that honors their best and yet the same ones are exploded to bits and pieces, later apologizing that they were undertaking the results of the ‘scientific research’s test.’
To the world who decides which people to corrupt is the world that once exploited their land and resources and wished no opposition occurred for their colonization to continue or have interrupt-accusing an uprising revolt too sudden and abrupt.
To the world: how many times did you see a frightened child cry and with your bloody hands have come to wipe their tears away, each one of your eyes an undeniable lie, whispering to them: it is not me who killed your family, believe me how could I let them die?

To the world whose working class strives hard to feed their growing children; the money they earn you instantly squeeze right out; they scream inside: have mercy on us, we beg you, OH PLEASE!

To the world who said to us once, love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin; you left us nothing of that and even broke our once lifted up chin.

To the world that lets no man sleep and taught every mother know how to weep, why do you enjoy the suffering of those in debt to your accounts and pockets and feel no guilt over the orphans you daily create, leaving them gaze in lands like sheep?

To the world who taught us on sharing is caring and the notion of give and take is the world making its victims held accountable for the world’s repeated mistake.

To the world whose inhabitants are all disappointed and outraged, enough of your surprising shut downs, lock downs, interrogations, spying, bankruptcies; to them all we have become enslaved.

To the world that was once created with passion and endless curiosities, you have now created from your people a ‘new world order’ made in the form of wandering zombies.

To the world that knows no mercy to its citizens and strives to demolish the essence of blood and kin- put your people first before you put yourself first to win.

To the world who plays against its people the game and wants the people to believe that without their rules the world would be worse and never the same.

To the world who advocated no shades of grey- we now ask you where do we go from here, if you make us suffer; where and when will we build a home in your world to finally stay?

To the world that its people are to you so sincere, with all the violence and injustice you have done, how do you want them to obey your orders and to your rules adhere?

To the world who stole my name to know who I really am,
To the world who seized my land to let me see your ‘other’ vast lands,
To the world who used my talent and hard work to ‘make it a better and advanced’ place- did I just give you everything that belongs to me and then you used it to make me suffer, beg you and then kill me?

To the world who once has forbidden silence- you now forbid me to breathe.

To the world that stripped me away from my home and family because you failed to declare me for 60 years- have you no shame?

To the world who determines peoples’ destiny, manipulating lives as though they are bodies made of Lego- you disgust me because you are a politics merely made from and for your ego.

November 18, 2012

I left my heart in Cairo

I left my heart in Cairo

I left my heart in Cairo
Where the world’s first souls are found

I left my heart in Cairo
Where the people’s courageous hearts fiercely pound

I left my heart in Cairo
Where no matter where I go, my feet find no comfort except on her ground

I left my heart in Cairo
Where my final destination is bound

I left my heart in Cairo
With the silent whispers of the Nile; to the world makes the greatest sound

I left my heart in Cairo
With the millions of hearts made of gold

I left my heart in Cairo
Where thousands of stories are continuously told

I left my heart in Cairo
Where the beats of drums roar and men of honor soar

I left my heart in Cairo
Where the sun never dies

I left my heart in Cairo
Where there’s a smile at every demise

I left my heart in Cairo
Where the callings of faith harmonically rise

I left my heart in Cairo
Where at every corner of her streets proudly stands a dome

I left my heart in Cairo
Where love, beauty, and power lured the king of Rome

I left my heart in Cairo
Where its misty air and magical pebbles of sand is my only home.


April 18, 2012

God



God blurs the path so you appreciate the light you have in your eyes,
God shocks you with loss to remind you He is there at your every demise,
God gives you proof and reason and you still argue with Why's, 
God presents you with truth and you continue to prefer the lies, 
God doesn't give you everything at once so that you earn the qualities of the wise, 
God strengthens you during your sorrows and hurts to hear your cries, 
God knows your demons and will always love you regardless of color and size, 
God gives you endless chances before time flies, 
God is always there unlike the sun or the moon at a certain hour away it shies, 
God will always embrace you unlike human's certain fate who dies.

If you can't kneel down to thank Him, now is the time for your hands to rise.



November 16, 2012

Humble

A Humbling Experience: 

Of a 50 year old woman walking out of my physical therapist's clinic. Her husband embraced her as they were joyfully saying good-bye to the doctor at the end of their visit, and she says in an unclear yet cheerful tone, "I just can't wait to start working out again!"

At first glance, it was a happy scene to see, but when I looked again, I found out that this woman had her neck wrapped up in layers of medical bandage. She smiled to me and as she did I couldn't stop thinking how she must be enduring so much pain at whatever injury she may have at this age. Her husband put her coat on and off they went. 

I stepped into the office and the doctor shared her story with me. He said, "She is the most beautiful lady I have met. If only you know what she went through. First, she was diagnosed with cancer in her throat and she just had a surgery to remove the tube connecting her vocal chords to her stomach. It went well, but as she was recovering, they discovered a tumor in the back of her neck- on vital spinal vertebrates. And again, she undertook another surgery to remove it. So now she is all stitched up- front and back, with a voice barely heard. She doesn't care how many times she has to repeat herself to anyone, as long as they had the patience and care enough to decipher what she says. To everyone around her it was a matter of making it or not through the surgery, whereas to her, it was about when will she get up to face the world again and get back on her feet: back to work, working out, and going on all the adventurous trips she arranges seasonally with her family. She sleeps well, she laughs from her heart, she teases her husband, she walks 20 minutes a day; she seems like she has what it takes to be called 'a woman without a single defeated cell in her body.' She only knows how to be stronger within herself and the only thing she really knows is to be happy. When I first met her, I was really hesitant- whether to take her in as my patient or not- to be honest I was overwhelmed. But after the first five minutes of talking to her, I knew this woman is a wonder- she fascinated me and I couldn't let her down. Soon, she will be having another surgery, but she isn't at all worried. She lost 40 pounds because she is fed through tubes and takes it so lightly, jokingly admitting she had already wanted to lose weight anyways. She really just can't wait to get back to her life. And she knows she could do it."

I listened to the doctor say all this- I was silenced and humbled. Humbled at a woman 30 years older than myself who seemed to be so much stronger than a girl at the prime age of strength. Here I am complaining of my injuries, dreading every treatment session, and can't come to peace with my inability to exercise. As much as I try to embrace my condition, I fail to make full peace with it. I cope with it, yes I sure try to, but you can't fully embrace something if you are not fully accepting it, good or bad, and strong enough to see what's beyond the defeating experience. I am humbled, and once again reminded, that after roaring thunders, heavy showering rains, a hidden rainbow is ready to appear. Just like this woman's smile as she was walking out of her appointment and can't wait to start getting her life back to normal, if not better.

I am blessed to encounter such occurrences- to always be reminded, to be strong, patient, grateful and optimistic. I hope this story makes you reflect a bit, but more so, shed some light on the definitions of blessing, strength and gratitude.